Day 15

Wave of Light


Today I light a candle to honor my Casper, and all the babies who died too soon.

My candle carries Casper's name as well as the names of several other babies who have become special to me.  Their mommies are some of the people who mean the world to me.

I lit my candle this morning at 7 am, and plan to leave it burn until it is all gone.  That will include the hour between 7 and 8 pm.


Casper, you lit up my life for the short time you were here, and your light will shine in my heart until the end of time.



I need to update this.  Tonight a dear friend of mine from high school posted a couple pictures to my Facebook page in honor of today - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

He lit all the candles around 6:30 pm, and left them lit while he did a workout.  Then he blew all of them but one out, leaving a light shine for Casper.

His response to my message of gratitude was this - "The light that on my deck that these 55 candles was putting out was amazing and beautiful, just like your angel. You're welcome."

Day 14

Community

I have no found anything close to me "in real life" as a support group.  Because I don't believe in God, and I know most every group out there is faith-based, I haven't even looked.  I have always had a hard time with the faith community, since they don't support or respect those of us who see things differently.

Facebook has been my lifeline.  The people I've met, and the support I've received online, has been a lifeline.  I came across a group strictly for those who do NOT believe in God, people who are atheist or agnostic.  There are several in the group who are Wiccan or some other beliefs.  But the general consensus is that there is no god in control of the world.

I have met some of the most amazing and supportive ladies in this group.  They feel and think so much like me, and there is no judgment for not believing.  We all know that our babies are gone, we will not see them again, and that there is no understanding WHY our children were taken.  (too perfect for earth, needed for a higher purpose, etc)

Without these ladies, and their support, I would not be where I am today....

Day 13

Signs

I don't believe in "signs" from above.  I don't believe that my son is alive somewhere else, or that he is a ghost or an angel or anything else.  I know he is gone.  I know I will never see him again.

I know people like to believe they will be with their child again and look for signs that their child is out there waiting for them.....

I don't disillusion myself.  Yes, it is harder.  But I know I won't be disappointed.

Day 12

Scent

The smell I associate the most with Casper is the baby wash they used at the hospital.  I asked to keep the rest of the bottle the nurse used to bathe him.  There are days when I am so down and missing him that I will take a bath myself using his soap.  I feel surrounded by him, and it gives me the smallest measure of comfort. It is a smell I will forever hold as his smell.

Day 11

Supportive Family/Friends

This is not even a fraction of the people who have come to mean so much to me.

I owe such a debt of gratitude to my dad and stepmom.  They came to the hospital when I was first admitted.  They came again to bring the kids and to come meet Casper.  They hosted the memorial gathering, and helped us with the cost of Casper's memory stuff.

My children have been so supportive as well.  They have been profoundly affected by the loss of their baby brother, even though they have all tried to be so strong.

The very first friend I made in the baby loss community was Kaz - Kayleigh Beard.  She lost her daughter Ayda just a couple months before, and she was the first person I really connected with.  It's been almost a year since we met, and although she lives on another continent, she is one of the most important people in my life right now.

So many of my other friends from high school and such have been amazing.  I have to give a special mention to Marian, Nicole, Susan, Courtney, and Bridget.

The very best support has been the other baby loss moms that I have met along the way.  Some I have known since almost the beginning of my journey.  Some I have only met recently.  I have to give a special mention of Amber and Penny - we are like sisters.  Each and every one of of these ladies have been a such a special part of my walk down the road of loss.  I would not be here without them.

I know this graphic that I made does not include everyone who has been there for me.  I tried my best to add as many as I could.  I have been so blessed to be surrounded by love and support, and all of those who have been there for me know...

Day 10

Symbol


I have always loved stars.  On a clear night, I love to sit and look at the sky.

When Casper died, my husband and I both decided that Casper was going to be our shooting star, the brightest star in the night sky.  We would love for him every night in the sky.

I don't believe in heaven, but I know that the spirit of my son is out there somewhere.  My baby lives in the stars now, and I can see him every night when the sky is clear.

Day 9

Special Place


There is no special place I go, where I have good memories of my son.  The "places" I associate with him are bad - the clinic where it was confirmed his heart beat was gone, the hospital where he was delivered, and the funeral home where he was cremated.  All within a one mile radius, and thankfully in a different town.  (though pregnant with my rainbow baby and having to deal with 2 of the 3 somewhat often has been a trial...)

Set on a dresser top in our living room, where I spend most of my days, I sit and stare at my little boy's memory box.