Day 6

What Not to Say

I know people are usually at a loss for words.  They want to offer comfort, but having never even imagined something like child loss, they don't know what is comforting.  Some things work for some people, some don't.

I got some religious words from certain people, and I know that those words would have comforted them, but for me it doesn't work.  I do not believe in god or any kind of god.  My son is dead, not in heaven or with god.  Bigger plans?  No....  my son should be in my arms, nothing is more important than a child being with their mother.

I had someone tell me that her losses were just as bad as mine, even though they were not nearly as far along as mine.  Having had an early miscarriage, I can say for certain that the 2 experiences are very different.  My son was fully developed and would have lived perfectly delivered at that same time if not for the cord accident.  I would never presume to tell a mother who's child lived for minutes or hours or even days after birth that I knew exactly how they felt....  Yes, it is similar, but so much different.  And I am not you, you are not me.  We each process things differently.....

The hardest comment I had to deal with is being told that someone else was dealing with such-and-such a situation.  As if that makes my pain less?  That my hurt is less than theirs or less important?  Considering the situations were far from the same, and people I really didn't even know, it just made me angry.  Yes, I am sorry for their pain and what they are going through.  But that doesn't make my pain go away or any less.

MY son died.  Inside of my body.  I failed my child.  Nothing will change that, and what I feel and go through is MY personal journey.  If you don't know what to say, say nothing.  Offer your sympathy and love, and leave it at that.  Don't tell me how to feel or what to think or any other platitudes.  Even if you THINK you know, or have been through something similar, YOU are not ME.